Frequently Asked Questions
Become the 4th Powerpuff Girl.
Rampage through a shopping mall in a tank.
Get marooned on a desert island. Discover the meaning of life before being rescued by a shipload of hottie girl pirates.
Set up my own mafia and become a godfather.
Become the benevolent and much loved dictator of a small island called Muchamoria.
See a car crash into a petrol tanker and explode, like in the movies.
Get awarded a medal for services to literature. After the ceremony I'll sneak into the queen's private bathroom and put superglue on the toilet seat.
Go into a pub and start a massive punch up. The whole place gets trashed, but I emerge without a scratch.
Buy Man Utd football club, sell all the players and have their stadium bulldozed and converted into high rise apartments.
Snuff out the Olympic torch just before it arrives at the opening ceremony.
Stand in a massive empty stadium rigged up with a rock band's half-million-watt PA system and jam on an electric guitar.
Melt David Walliams's head with a giant space-based laser.
Jump out of a cake at the Oscar ceremony and steal all the trophies.
Start a new dance craze.
Work out what the hell the point of cricket is.
Genetically engineer super strong unicorns and use them to take over the BBC and turn it into The CHERUB Channel.
Walk down a busy shopping street holding a big knife and covered in fake blood.
Buy my own customised Airbus A380, fit it out with mahogany and gold and then use it to travel the world campaigning on environmental issues.
For News And Information
22 Nov 2017
In symmetrical news, my agent
just worked out that I've been published for 13.5 years and have sold 13.5 million books!